Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wow what a time of rage and wrath it is for me. Impressive outpourings of violent lashings-out are wanting to happen, with nobody around to lash out at. I am so glad not to be inclined towards self-injury. Anybody who fucks with me today is going to get their eyes scratched out of their heads and shoved down their stupid throats, though. Not that anybody is going to bother me, since I'm wrapped in this invisible red armor.

I got good news, great news. Yesterday I was out of sorts, just pissed off and bored, slapping paint on the walls of Steve's unattractive condo in Maryland, and every time I said anything to him he'd go off on a riff, for pete's sake, about whatever I'd said, in the most annoying way. Like I'd talk about the dry heat in the Southwest and he'd talk about how you just HAVE to carry water wherever you go, it's dry but you'll dry OUT, and I'd say I like not sweating and he'd say, OHHH HO you sure ARE sweating, it's just EVAPORATING because of the DRYNESS, and he knows because he grew up in Florida the difference between humid heat and dry heat and he can take both but the thing is, THE THING IS, when it's dry you have to carry water and you feel THIRSTY, so it's more difficult. Well, that's the gist. Anyway after I finished painting and started to drive away I got a call from the Americorps program in Tempe and they want me to work there and they didn't even take a week to think about it, they were obviously so excited about the interview and they knew I was the one right away. It took all my self control to not hoot into the phone in excitement and jubilation. So now I have a choice that I'm actually happy about getting to make. Obviously I am inclined to move where it's warm all the time and the people aren't so uptight. I already told the Philly program I'd work there, though, so I may feel a little bad extricating myself from that commitment. You know what, though, other people ditch their commitments all the time, even important commitments to people they love, without appearing to feel a touch of guilt. Other people fucking betray their closest confidantes without giving a thought to the ruination they bring on their own shriveled little ungrateful selfish souls by completely ignoring the strong and valid emotions of others that are totally based in reality and not in some fantasy world of unreasonable expectations. Other people lie to themselves and the people around them because they don't want to look unattractive or deal with feeling bad. That's life in the universe, right? So it's OK if I tell these nice Christian community center people I sort of know and definitely like, Thanks, but no thanks, I'm moving to sunny Arizona. The traffic is much better out there and I need to work on my year-round tan and I'm tired of having cold hands all the time.

I only got a couple of hours of sleep last night. I was anxious over the logistics of accepting one job and rejecting another, worried that neither would work out and I'd be back where I started with the resumes and cover letters and phone calls and dead-end stupid house painting jobs and living in a tiny, thin-walled room near the blaring TV in my parents' house. Loserville. Heartbreak Hotel. Prozactown. Out of Control Sobbing and Screaming Villas. So I had all these dreams about how Estela was going to somehow fuck up my acceptance process in Tempe or how I'd accidentally signed a binding contract and couldn't escape. For some reason a cute, muscular mulatto-loooking guy named Colorado kept showing up too, wanting to kiss. You just take the good with the bad, I guess, my gosh.

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