Tuesday, December 06, 2005

It's so snowy, melty, drippy, and cold here. The other night I slid all the way home on my bald tires. My fingers are so cold they're stiff and I'm feeling trapped and isolated, wishing the motherfucking phone would just ring. Yessir, life is peachy keen! At least I have the use of my arms and legs. At least I have Spanish class this evening, where I will see human faces and talk to people, and then there's a party later tonight. Lauren knows the woman who's throwing it. It's an Interesting Person Party. I guess it's necessary to make the distinction.

it was hard to get out of bed, so yesterday i went to a tanning salon for the first time ever to try and shake this wintry feeling. I liked laying naked in the big white humming plastic box, getting warm. The big-haired receptionist could not emphasize enough the need for eye protection, she was really dedicated. The I went home, worked a few hours, did some capoeira drills and cooldowns, and spent the night cleaning and repairing the scratches in my cds. Time is strange lately, i feel like there's not enough of it to be creative but too much of it for brooding miserably. Maybe because I'm working so much for money on projects that aren't very engaging so part of the brain is working on getting a nice smooth coat of paint up and the rest of the brain is freaking out over not having any friends to call because i am freaking the fuck out and need somebody to talk to, anybody, just to feel connected to the world. It just feels like everyone's too busy for me and then i start wondering what's wrong with me, why can't I keep myself busy enough to be too busy for them and it's just a slippery slope from there, hoo boy.

i'm going to try out some uncontrollable sobbing here.

When I drive out west again I'm looking forward to resting in the sun when i get too tired and maybe swimming if I end up anywhere with water. And visiting the hot springs in Truth or Consequences, and walking around Albuquerque during breaks in the training, and seeing all the capoeiristas again in Las Cruces, and maybe even dancing at the OP. I am really going to live it up. And when I get to Tempe there's a job waiting for me, a cozy place to live, new people to know, art to make, and of course hot hot sun. So it's going to be all right even if today is not a perfect day.

Friday, December 02, 2005

I've been working so hard lately that my hands and arms feel weak and the skin is kind of raw, with lots of little cuts all over my fingers from sanding and scraping. Today I was officially selected and officially accepted the AZ position, so I had a difficult time concentrating afterwards. So exhausted.